Nomadic Living

I'm currently in Florida at a conference and I've been here long enough that I am homesick and exhausted. The problem is that I'm not sure where I am homesick for.

I was initially homesick for Seattle because it is where my current life is centered. But as I sat there with the sun and the tropical beachy environment I realized that I'm also homesick for California, Wisconsin, and a lot of other places that I have lived. I'm homesick for the coziness of living in a place where I have a history AND a future. I'm not homesick for a where, I'm homesick for a what.

I have planted and uprooted myself too many times over the past 20 years and this move to Seattle was supposed to last me a while. I planned on digging in and establishing my life in Seattle, but now I'm not sure that I can (or should). So if you move from place to place like this, where is home?

There was a reality tv/documentary type show on television about people working with the Big Apple Circus a few nights ago. Circus people move from place to place all the time, but they move with all their things and their community. Leaving the circus and living in one place for a long period of time is their version of moving away. I imagine it's the same for the nomadic people in Mongolia. The trauma doesn't come from the moving, the trauma comes from leaving the tribe.

So I guess part of my feeling is the homesickness for MY tribe. My tribe is spread out throughout the world and I am in touch with most people through e-mail, facebook, twitter, and the phone. I can 'reach out and touch someone' with my multi-function internet accessible cell phone. But that small cell phone device is a poor substitute for a real human.

However it seems right now that having a tribe is not enough to fully comfort me. I think what I really miss is a feeling of certainty and stability in my future. The truth is this feeling is all an illusion because we never REALLY know our future, but I miss feeling like I do. There are certain things that I have control over in my life, and other things that I don't. I accept this, but it would be nice if the cosmos would cut me a break every now and then.